Posts for 2019

Good evening. Today, I want to talk about fear.

I know it's not a very technical topic, but recently a reader had gone through my piece about the #LearnToCode hashtag, and commented to me that she could see I was really afraid of being laid off, due to my comments of sympathy for those who had lost their jobs. That couldn't be further from the truth (I'll explain why in a bit) and I suspect it was more a case of her projecting her own fears at work onto me.

Still, it got me thinking, which is always a good thing. And I consider it a topic worth exploring, especially in the context of a tech career.

Some backstory

Back in 1999, when I was twenty, I served on board two warships - RSS Brave in 1999 and RSS Fearless in 2000. This were the anti-submarine Fearless Class vessels, some of which are now defunct as of July last year, and comprised of twelve vessels. The first six ships in that class were RSS Fearless, RSS Brave, RSS Courageous, RSS Gallant, RSS Daring and RSS Dauntless. All these names were synonyms for bravery, which is what they aspire for soldiers, I guess. That, and the ability to follow orders. But pardon me, I digress...


Even at that age, having served on the first two warships in the entire series, I understood the difference between these two words. They sound like they mean the same thing, but that is most decidedly not the case. Fearlessness is literally the absence of fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but rather the management of fear. Thus if one is literally fearless, bravery becomes irrelevant because there is no fear to manage.

And this brings me to...

The Management of Fear

What does fear stand for? We like to joke that it means Fuck Forget Everything And Run. But that's not management of fear. Running, or being paralyzed, are both natural instincts of fear. Managing fear is about overriding those instincts and channeling the energy generated from that fear, into productive action.

Let's face it - everyone fears something. Anyone who claims to be not afraid of anything is either a braggart or a child. But while it is natural - and sensible, I should add - to be afraid, some fears are more worth your time than others. Don't try not to be afraid. But try to reserve your fear quota for the right things. Fear needs to be useful. Being afraid of the inevitable (i.e, stuff you can't control), is silly. If our fear is in things that we can control, we can actually do something about it and, as mentioned earlier, channel that energy into productive action. Because fear, as it stands, is an excellent motivator.

The trick here is to closely examine what we think we're afraid of, and identify what we're actually afraid of.

Examples!

Let's examine a few common fears, and deconstruct them.

Interviewing. Some people I know express a certain nervousness before an interview. They're afraid of screwing up, or making an unfavorable impression. To that, I say - stop seeing it as an obstacle. Use The Look-ahead Strategy and take it as training. I've bungled my fair share of interviews (see my ill-fated interview with Mozat here). That's no excuse to stop trying. Besides, the interviewee has much to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. The interviewee doesn't have a job at the company. And if everything goes south, nothing changes. He or she still doesn't have a job at the company. But if things go right, it could result in an employment offer.

Even after having explained that, they aren't convinced. There's still a nagging fear somewhere even though they know logically, that fear is irrational. That fear isn't of interviews specifically - it's of rejection. Of being found to be not good enough. That fear is also irrational. When an interviewer rejects your application, it's rarely because you're not good enough, period. Rather, it's usually because you're not a good fit for whatever reason. You may be applying for the wrong job, sending off the wrong vibes or presenting yourself incorrectly. It's not the end of the world; in fact, it's a remarkable learning opportunity. See why I advocate practicing your interviewing skills using real interviews?

Also, if you really are not good enough, it's better that you find out during a low stakes interview rather than during a time when it could do a lot more damage.

I spent years in a desktop support job I hated partially because I was afraid of testing myself. I was afraid I wouldn't make it outside of my cage, which ironically had become my comfort zone. And the longer I put off moving on, the more my skillset stagnated. Now what I fear is getting stuck simply because I've grown too comfortable in my misery. I will never again allow that to happen.


Remember when I said "work is part of life"? You know what else is part of life? Failure. Rejection. The only time you stop failing is after you die. So unless you're planning to die in the near future, get on with the business of living. Fear of rejection is arguably more harmful than rejection itself. Get over it. You should aim to not fail, of course... but in the event that you do fail, learn from it.

Many years ago, when I asked my then-girlfriend out on that first date, I wasn't even considering the possibility of failure - in fact, I was convinced that rejection wasn't even a possibility, but an outright eventuality. I said "fuck it", and asked anyway, and she's now the wife. Maybe people should learn to say "fuck it", more often? Just sayin'.

Losing your job. That's one fear I've learned to lay to rest long ago. I promised in the first paragraph of this blogpost that I'd explain why. So here goes...

As a professional, some things are out of your control - market forces, economy, company funding and the like. It's not a question of whether not you're good enough to hang on to your job, but whether or not the company can afford to keep paying you. You could keep yourself as skilled and relevant as much as you want - that is still no guarantee against losing your job. But hey, guess what? Losing one's job is part and parcel of being a professional, the same way that failure is part of life. It's not an indictment of your capability, or lack thereof. Anyone who tells you that they've never been laid off, assuming they're telling you the truth, is probably really lucky, not that experienced, or simply has never taken any significant risks in their career choices.



Professionals being afraid of losing their jobs is kind of like boxers being afraid to get punched in the face. Of course a boxer wants to avoid getting hit in the face because if that happens too often, he will lose the bout. But that doesn't mean he is afraid of it, otherwise he should not even be stepping into the ring in the first place. Likewise, as a professional, you should aim to hold on to your job... but don't be so afraid of losing your job that you forget to actually do your job. I've seen people react to the fear of losing their jobs, by playing petty office politics and constantly looking over their shoulders for metaphorical knives.

So yes, fear of losing your job is another irrelevant fear. Besides, nobody actually fears losing their job. In fact, I suspect many people would be quite happy to be jobless, if they had enough money to live comfortably on. What they really fear is having no income. I've mitigated that fear by living simply and maintaining a sum of money (twenty months of monthly expenditure), which I like to call my Fuck You Fund.

What I really fear is not losing my job, because I'm reasonably certain I could land another one fairly quickly, but the state of joblessness itself. I've seen people "take a break" which was supposed to be for a month or two, only to wind up jobless for six months or more. And that prospect terrifies me. For a long time, I've been a web developer. It's an integral part of my identity. What's a web developer without something to develop? And that is why I keep myself really busy when I'm between jobs - to ensure that I don't get too comfortable not having a job. The result is an awful lot of code in my GitHub account and my website.

Aging. As the years approach, there's a certain fear of growing old and dying. And the things you used to be able to handily do - physically exert yourself, eat copious amounts at buffets, party like there's no tomorrow - all take a massive hit. People fear losing what they once had. But this is inevitable. Aging is a process, and death comes to everyone. Joints start to creak. Fatigue comes more easily. Appetites wane. Wrinkles start to form, hair grows grey (and in some cases, falls off entirely) and waistlines thicken. It's all par for the course, and to be expected. Sometimes I look at photographs of myself ten years ago and compare them to how I look now, and marvel at how much I now resemble my father.



But that's just physical aging. You know what's way scarier? Mental aging.

When you say "mental aging", some people think of Parkinson's or Alzheimer's. That's pretty scary too, but not really in the scope of what I'm covering today. No, what I'm thinking of is more in the realm of attitude.

You ever encountered some older folks who just can't be taught anything? They hold certain antiquated, outdated ideas about the world which may have been relevant and even accurate decades ago. But now they're so divorced from the realities of today's world, utterly convinced that they have got it all figured out and obstinately refuse to even entertain the idea that younger people may know better than they do. They spend their time criticizing the younger generation and feeling superior simply for being born in the sixties or before.

As a software developer who's had to affix his entire career on the premise that change is the only constant, I am absolutely appalled by the idea that one day, my mind is going to grow like that - fixed and unmoving, stuck in the past. I'm afraid that the world will keep changing but my mind will refuse to accept it. Forget old folks - some of my generation are already starting to act like that. I used to find it irritating and pathetic... now I'm filled with anxiety about eventually becoming like that. It's the kind of thing that will creep up on you when you're feeling smug and complacent about being all progressive and shit, and next thing you know, you've become one of those annoying old farts who never shut up about how things were in their day.

How do I counter this? By learning. Learning about whatever I can get my grubby little hands on. It doesn't matter if it helps my career or enables me to make better arguments. The future belongs to people who can learn, unlearn and relearn. The point is to keep my head in constant learning mode. I'm getting on in years, and forgetting stuff is going to be a big part of it. That's fine. I can forget... but I cannot not learn.

That's all for now, I'm afraid...

See what I did there? Heh heh.

I guess most of my fears (getting too comfortable, having nothing to do, growing old and stubborn) mostly boil down to one thing - fear of complacency. The moment I allow myself to forget how little I really know about software development despite having done it for over a decade, the closer I get to repeating the mistakes of my misspent youth. And that I simply cannot have. It is an outcome too awful to contemplate.

But that fear is good. It keeps me honest and on track, and that's valuable.